Womenkind left distraught as magazines finally run out of sexual positions.
Last night, women suffered an unexpected blow in the battle of the sexes when Cosmopolitan editor, Joanna Coles, announced that they had “finally published every sex tip and position known to man”
Speaking on behalf of the FOWMPE (the federation of women’s magazines and publications for the elderly) Joanna stated that there was now what she deemed a “crisis” in women’s literature.
“Since the sexual revolution of the 1970’s (that’s the 90’s in Ireland) women’s magazines have been finding a steady stream of ways of making women insecure about their sexuality.
Each edition of Cosmopolitan magazine, contains at least Six Steamy Ways to Spice Up your Sex Life or Seven Sensual Sex Moves to Send him to Heaven, and now we’ve finally covered all possible moves, we can’t think of any more”
Coles went on to say
“In the 1970’s, when women’s magazines first came to the fore, it was easy to fill them with any kind of crap, women then were impressed with such simple sex moves as The Reverse Cowgirl or The Dallas Sandwich, now young women wouldn’t be caught dead trying such amateurish moves, when there's such techniques as The Jihadi Death Mask and The Salty Walrus”
She went onto say
“Alas We’ve exhausted every possible sexual move, couples are going to have to work on their so called "emotional connection" to improve things in the bedroom from now on"
The final six sex moves will be published in next month’s edition of Glamour magazine and will include The Pokemon Ho and The Trump Hard.