Post Colonial Guilt Tripping


I have a crush on Boris Johnson, It's very unfashionable, for me, a left wing, libertarian, sometimes vegetarian to "fancy" the comic book embodiment of the conservative party circa 1892.

I have watched it at least five times now, the wry little smile, the deep, luxuriant Etonian baritone, the silly little swagger of a man who is selling out in the most self aware manner. It's Boris Johnson's appearance on "Eastenders" a few years ago, one of my favourite of his goofy clips, which include "Have I Got News for You" and "Brexit- the Musical"

I can lay this lapse firmly at the feet of Irish oppression, Johnson is the quintessential Protestant, English, overlord. He is John Bull, he is Briton, even his blond bouffant can be attributed to a colonising ancestor's dalliance with a "flaxen haired slave girl"

Of course I wasn't directly effected, but my Grandfather died for Ireland, when I say he died for Ireland, he didn't really die for Ireland but he knew people that did and he sang songs about dying for Ireland, mostly in pubs, suffice as to say, my Grandfather drank himself to death……….for Ireland!

In Primary school, our heavily pregnant teacher, nearing the end of her tether, showed us a video , a made for TV drama (they were often wheeled out for history, geography and religion class) I’m not sure what it was meant to teach but it was called “The Hanging Gale” it was about the famine and it was very sexy.

I think the things you see, on the cusp of adolescence go some way in shaping your sexuality forever. A friend of mine found kaki shorts and dusty knees to be extremely sexy, It’s because they featured in Jurassic Park just when women, were seeming less yucky. To this day he finds climbing boots hotter than any lingerie.

For me it was “The Hanging Gale” In one scene the boorish English landlord, asks his servant girl, to remove his boots for him, after a slight struggle (with the boots) she succeeds,only for him to try and kiss her. Understanding that he was both enemy (english) and friend (employer) there was an even greater struggle than with the boots with her heart. When things got to raunchy our teacher, who obviously hadn’t seen the whole film, did a pregnant sprint to turn off the television, to turn it off. She asked us to draw a picture based on what we learned, except for the last bit. It was too late, the damage was done.

So now that leaves me with Boris Johnson, Jeremy Clarkson and Pierse Morgan all men I hate to love, whom I feel that I must conquer in order to get bye in life, to save my patch of land to impress but hate at the same time, perhaps like all my relationships really, using sex as a kind of weapon.

My life would’ve been a lot easier if they’d shown “Sister Act” that day instead!

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